With everyone making Fake Ronaldo captain of their yawningly predictable teams of the season we at Free-Bets.co.uk are taking it back to the old school and compiling a banterous World XI comprising some of Planet Earth's true heroes. Some of these men deserve Presidencies and Knighthoods, others should simply be taken outside and shot.
No-brainer. This man knows how to handle the media, and woe betide anyone who dares mess with him.
15.11.07 Plymouth Manager Ian Holloway refutes claims he is about to join Leicester. "I'm not going to Leicester. It's total poppycock. It's absolutely pathetic. About Plymouth, I'm in love with the place. It's absolutely magnificent."22.11.07 Joins Leicester.18.12.07 Holloway attacks reports that he's using the press to unsettle Plymouth's Barry Hayles. "I was proud of what I did at Plymouth, and very proud of the Plymouth fans, so I'm not going to raid their team. I'm looking at other targets."01.01.08 Leicester sign Plymouth's Barry Hayles for £150k. Holloway: "I'm absolutely delighted!"
Goalkeeper- René Higuita
El Loco would grace any side between the sticks and was the obvious choice as SJ Towers No. 1. In the past, of course, he was famous for his eccentricity, his Scorpion kick and being dispossessed by septuagenarian Cameroon striker Roger Milla. This season he’s made the best comeback since Lazarus and has signed for Colombian 2nd Division outfit Deportivo Rionegro at the tender age of 41, having expressed a desire to become Colombia’s stopper again. He has also recently had extensive plastic surgery. As the great man himself puts it, “Bodily, I am perfect.” René, you’re in son.
Left Back- Jon-Arne Riise.
Many players become famous for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory (Bayern Munich ’99). Others do it for ending seasons with negative goal records (Francis Benali, Frank Sinclair). Others make their name by having atrocious “look at me” hairstyles (Xavier, Pienaar). One man gets the hat-trick up. Jon-Arne Riise, come on down. It was well-documented that young Sixsmith hadn’t notched this season and, despite a heinous haircut, he still hadn’t managed a goal as March reached its end. Cue Champions League Semi-Final, a horrible rush of blood and an unstoppable own-goal. Horrible.
Right Back- Michael Ball
Tackled by a balloon, resulting in his side’s premature exit from the FA Cup. A worthy recipient of the no. 2 shirt.
Centre backs- Andre Bikey and Radhi Jaidi
Picture the scene. It’s the 5th minute of stoppage time and you’re 1-0 up in the semi-final of a major International football tournament with millions watching across the world. One of your players is receiving treatment on the field, eating up the remaining seconds which assure you a place in the final. Pop quiz, hotshot. What do you do. If you’re Andre Bikey, you inexplicably shove the attending paramedic to the ground and get sent off, thereby missing the final. That’s what you do.
Left Wing- Evo Morales
The natural left-winger in our side is massively left-wing Bolivian President Evo Morales. In a purely football-based move, the short, dumpy 49-yr-old Socialist political heavyweight signed for La Paz side Litoral, who could “potentially rise to Bolivia’s top league if they manage to win a long series of qualifying tournaments this year.” I reckon they just might…
Centre Mid- Boris Johnson
With plenty of flair in the side we need someone to marshal the troops. The obvious nod goes to the current Mayor of London, who takes absolutely no prisoners in the middle of the park. Bask in the glory of his ‘tackle’ against Germany legends. Make him PM, I say.
Centre Mid- Mascherano
Who owns him? How much are Liverpool paying for him? Why is he spectacularly brilliant in some games and absolutely diabolical in others? These are questions we do not need the answers to here. Moaning at a referee in true petulant-schoolboy style make him an essential pantomime villain in our line-up.
Right Wing- Nani
Two reasons why Nani picks up the coveted SJ no.7 shirt. One- he did kick-ups round the Arsenal team, who were doing an impression of Kill Bill’s Crazy 88s (trying to chop him in half) at the time. Two- appearing on the front cover of Michael Jackson’s Off the Wall album.
Up Top- Mario Leguizamón & Real Ronaldo
“Super” Mario Leguizamón made his way into the starting line-up by virtue of providing us with THE quote of the 2007-2008 season. In an example of political correctness gone mad, Peru’s Deportivo San Martin sacked him after an outburst on TV about female referee Silvia Reyes. Unfortunately (political correctness gone mad again) we can’t show the whole quote here, but here’s some of it,
“Why did she send me off? You should ask the fat *****! I don’t know why there are women refs- it’s like women’s football- it’s neither feminine, nor football”.
Despite being on the treatment table this season the Real Ronaldo has still given us plenty to enjoy this season and his inclusion is warranted. Not only is he now sporting a comedy microphone-Afro bouffant, he has also paid for the best recuperative therapy money can buy by frequenting trannies of the night. He’s also the most naturally gifted centre-forward in the history of the game. He’s in.
